Assault Of The Hyuga: Assasination Day
by Da God Cane
Summary: Sequel to "Assault Of The Hyuga". WARNING: Major Deathnote and light Uchiha bashing, not for punks, fools, suckas or any combination of the three. It's the return of the Jody King! Layin hammers on everyone!
1. Act I: We're Back By Demand Bitch!

* * *

"Okay...go!"

"...dammit!"

"Hah! Your turn Hanabi!"

The double doors of the Hokage's office swung open, revealing none than Neji Hyuga clutching a note in his hand.

"This is where we're hosting today?" he said, striding forward.

"Yeah...what took you so long?" asked the almighty Jody King, reclining in the chair behind the desk with his balla-ass, now-and-later, autographed by Snoop Doggy Dogg gators up on the desk.

Neji sighed, "Tsunade-sama was not happy when I saw her while I was on my way to collect our fanmail. What are Hinata and Hanabi doing with your revolver?"

He nodded to the afromentioned pair, who seemed be playing a game.

"Oh, yeah...Russian Roulette, 6 bullets, winner gets to open the fic."

"Okay...anyway, I got something else along with our fanmail, remember those asenine morons that canceled us?

Jody slammed an angry fist onto the desk, "How could I forget Neji...how could I forget? They killed our production when we had this fanfiction shit hooked up just likes we likes it!"

Staring at his friend, Neji continued, "Yeah, well...anyway, they had themselves fired for incompetence!"

At this the boy brightened considerably and jumped up on the Hokage's desk with his sword held in the air triumphantly, "Whoo! We're back baby-"

BLAM!

The air was thick with silence as Neji and Jody King stared at the now bloody stump that was Hanabi Hyuga's head.

Hinata finally said something, "Whoo! I gets to open the fic and...wait a minute, didn't Futurama already do this joke?"

(Cue Opening Theme to Futurama)

* * *

A/N: Once again it's on! So yeah, in case the summary (spell it with me you literate motherfuckers, S-U-M-M-A-R-Y, and yes I called y'all literate...cause if you ain't I don't know why the fuck you on fanfiction) wasn't clear enough, this is the sequel to "Assault Of The Hyuga". A previous fic I wrote sometime last year to tell the world about the Uchiha (among other things). There wasn't an immediate response, and as it stands currently there are still single digit reviews for that fic, but this morning I got the review that got me ready to set it off again (peace to iLoveRikkaiDai). If you already read the first "Assault" and didn't like it, but are continuing out of morbid disgust or curiousity, prepare to be even more offended. Same goes for Uchiha, fangirls (lest you be Hyuga cause if you is then we good.), and other kinds of people that I got beef with. Enjoy the fic y'all, and maybe even review (you know I get high off of those reviews).

_Assault Of The Hyuga: Assasination Day_

Fading in on the now blood splattered office of Tsunade Senju, we find our heroes from the previous fic ready to get started.

Hinata Hyuga, now dressed as Captain Soi Fon from Bleach is the first to adress the audience, "Newcomers, old heads, I hope you're well! There wasn't an overwhelming response for the first fic, but the author has us under contract so we're back! Anyway, we got a real good show for you ladies and gentlemen tonight. We'll discuss recent happenings in the Naruto world, the tragic conclusion of Deathnote, and the overall problem with fanfiction-"

"WHAT THE FUCK HINATA!"

She turns to our next occupant of the room, the majestic and beautiful Jody King, currently wearing a look of horror as he stared at the headless corpse of former co-host Hanabi Hyuga.

"My clothes are ruined! Your damn sister got her red blood all over my nice white suit, and now I gots to buy me another slug for my gun! Do you know how much bullets cost?...oh yeah, and she's dead too!"

Neji's expression went from shock to abosolute confusion as he listened to the boy's rant. He turned to look at Jody, "Aren't those things in the wrong order? And besides, your revolver carries a constantly recharging amount of bullets! You had it made by Dante when we did the Devil May Cry 4 review episode!"

"It's the important things in life Neji!"

Suddenly the double doors swung open again and everyone turned to see who dared enter the set.

Hanabi Hyuga stepped in the room with a large box bearing the Krispy Kreme logo, "I got the donuts y'all! Did Neji...get...back...what the hell happened here?"

She looked over at the body on the floor covered in more blood than everyone else. She barely started walking forward when Jody leapt from the desk on top of her, sword blade at her neck.

"Who are you-" he was cut off as she leaned up and roughly crashed her lips into his and then shoving her tongue into his mouth and ravishing it.

Silence once again paid a visit to the room, ghosting across the shocked faces of Hinata and Neji before leaving when Jody got off of Hanabi.

Clearing his throat he spoke in a down-to-business manner as though the young Hyuga hadn't just tried to eat him alive, "Mmm...yeah, it's the real Hanabi. So, Hinata, you were saying?"

"Jody-" Neji growled.

"Now Neji chill, she raped me first. I'll tell you after the fic- Hinata what were you saying before Hanabi showed up?"

Hinata, still trying to recover from seeing her sister make out with her friend, cleared her throat as well.

"Yes...well, as I was saying before I was interrupted by my sister's apparent death-"

"Who the hell is that?" said Hanabi, pointing at the now rotting corpse on the ground.

"-and hot make out session following it, we also have some very special guests tonight. But first things first, Neji care to take it from here?"

Most of his composure regained while leaning against the wall, Neji spoke.

"Well it's good to be back Hinata-chan, after all, those asenine morons couldn't keep us down forever. So here's the deal in Naruto currently, we've got one dead Uchiha and another tryin to snatch up a biju -that's a tailed beast (like Kyubi) to all you uncultured motherfuckers- so he can destroy the leaf village. What did we say last time? TRAITOR-ASS NINJA! And in recent chapters it was revealed that the Uchiha were planning a takeover of the leaf, and that Itachi was the spy placed in the clan (which explains the tension and hatred towards him from most other members except from Sasuke) to take them down. Now I know we tore Itachi up the last time we talked about him, but after we asked why we were supposed to be mad at him, the author told us that he was mad at Itachi because his friend kept beating him in Naruto: Ultimate Ninja 2 and 3 with that goddamn terrorist jutsu (Water Clone Bomb I think). Naturally that's just stupid so we decided to give Itachi the award of being the one cool Uchiha to ever live (and die). To byakuganwalker's chagrin, we managed a reconciliation with the guy, and he'll show up later on tonight. But other than that, come on people, the village? The Uchiha wanted to take the motherfucking leaf from the Senju even though they won it fair and square! The rapper/producer Puff Daddy (now known as Diddy) had a word for that: Bitch-Assness. So for everyone reading this fic, the name Uchiha is now truly synonomous with the term Bitch-Assness. If your friend or foe pisses you off, call them an Uchiha. It's the kind of sophisticated retailiation that only most Hyuga (and non sharingan-affiliated clans) can come up with. Now to our good friend Jody King for the next subject."

Back in his seat at the Godaime Hokage's desk, we see Jody King taking the last few sips of his grape soda before continuing this rather absurd story.

"Good job Neji, now to our next thing. Y'know what really grinds my gears? The ending to Deathnote. WHAT. THE. FUCK. Light (or Raito if you don't like the dubbed version) Yagami; young man just trying to make the world a better place and what does everyone do to thank him? They kill that man, they shoot him and then write his name...IN PRINTED TYPE! Why do bad things happen to good people? He said it himself, who else could do it? Who else would use the notebook for such a noble purpose? I know everyone who first saw the show had specific enemies that you would use the Deathnote in your life out of hatred, admit it! Good and bad exist within all of us, but when confronted with immediate power like that, I know good n' goddamn well that y'all would use it at least once before putting it down! For those that supported L, Mello or Near, you motherfuckers are terrible. They weren't looking for justice, they just picked up on the case because it amused them. And look how Kira's influence changed the world! Crime was on a steady decline, and the people of the world became better people for it. Why would anyone want to fuck up the idea of the perfect world? And that's what really grinds my gears, back to you Hanabi."

Seated on the same desk and taking bite of a glazed donut, the once thought to be dead for all of two pages Hanabi Hyuga went ahead.

"Who indeed Jody...who indeed. Y'know what really dries my vagina? You people in fanfiction who use it for nothing but romance. Nearly every time we look up genre that isn't romance, we always get it as a sub-genre. Humor/Romance, Adventure/Romance, Crime/Romance, General/Romance, Drama/Romance, Angst/Romance somebody fuckin stop me! It's like all this site is for is allowing people to pair up this person with someone else as opposed to their given partner in canon. I can't get much comedy out of this site if that's all I want, I can't get much adventure either (especially with a character I like), hell, I can't even get a decent crossover. It would be all well and good if this shit was balanced but it isn't! The Naruto section for example, and I'll need to caps lock this so you get the fuckin point: TOO MUCH GODDAMN, MOTHERFUCKIN YAOI! Don't get us wrong, all of us enjoy a good yaoi every now and then; even the author has a thing for effeminate dudes along with women, (A/N: I am kind of bi, but it's not my fault Naruto is the most fuckable uke I've ever seen) that's cool... But when I look into the Naru/Sasu section and see over a hundred fuckin pages of that shit, then go to Saku/Ino and get lucky to see maybe what? Ten, eleven pages? BULLSHIT! There is no excuse for that, nor massive amounts of het I see that are just poorly written. Finding good het in the Naruto section is like looking for a car air freshener in a pile of monkey feces. On top of that, the lemons are just as bland and uninspired as the pairing that's being written! While I'm talking about this let me cite a few authors that actually write quality romance fics (all flavors)...

CrazyNinjaPenguin: Who knows how to balance smut with plot. In the past year or two, he's kept the flame of good Naruto yuri on the move for along time, and is currently approaching the end of what I think is the magnum opus of his work (a fic called the Echoing of the Fragile Wind, check it out).

move them hands: Incredibly good smut, yuri, yaoi, and I think I saw a het up there.

Quillslinger: Powerful writer, this dude will keep your eyes glued to the fucking page. Yuri, yaoi, het it's all good if it's a Quillslinger production.

Asuka Kureru and desolate butterfly: Love three ways, particularly Team 7's. Yuri/Yaoi/Het Up and down.

NoNoWriter: It's kind of hypocritical for me to cite this one since she writes a lot of yaoi, but at least it's entertaining to read.

Sir-White-Socks-Whiskey: (A/N: She's younger than me and her writing is fuckin spectacular) She doesn't have too many yuri fics out there, but what she lacks in fics she makes up in substance. Check her out too.

...yeah, check them out...and back to my dear sister Hinata."

Sittng against the side of the desk, Hinata Hyuga grinned.

"Alright everyone, presenting tonight's first guest-"

_Knock Knock Knock_.

Knock _KNOCK_.

"GET THE DOOR JODY!"

The white suited boy stumped over to the door and asked in a sing-song voice, "Who is it?"

**KNOCK.**

Jody shrugged and opened the door, immediately frowing at who he saw.

"Jody King...why don't we take a walk"

A/N: Off the real, I could finish it up right here, but ambition tells me I could make a killing outta this series if I make it into a full blown story. So yeah, tell me what you like, don't like, this, that and the third. I'll see y'all soon though, I got my computer working again so I'm dead ass serious, don't forget to check back in soon. P-E-A-C-E!

* * *

Omake (this one's for you sharinganrivers)

"Okay seriously, who the hell is that?" exclaimed Hanabi, pointing at the dead body once more.

Suddenly, a man wearing a long black leather coat silver hair that stuck upwards near the back burst into the room panting loudly.

"Dammit!"

He pulled out a cellphone and hit a number for speed dial.

Ring...Ring...

"Yo, Xemnas! Where's it at?"

"Vexen you won't believe this, our zombie turned into Hanabi Hyuga and killed herself playing Russin Roulette."

"Damn it...wait a minute, is she dead?"

"...what the fuck do you mean is she dead? She took a slug to the head, and she got all types of blood oozin' out man."

"...well...y'know (unitelligible murmuring)...corn..."

"That's it, I'm hanging up."

"Yeah, you do that."

(click)


	2. Act II: The Funeral

A/N: Word to all who's down with me on this. I done heard some shit that fucked me up a little, and I know some of you won't like this chapter (shit, you probably don't like the fic) but I to had write this. This chapter is dedicated to an early part of my childhood, who just went out wit' a "BANG". Below is the original A/N.

A/N: So I couldn't help but noticed that my return was all but ignored (save for the magnificent kong is king, whom for his review there is much love and respect), but what y'all may not know is, I'm a persistent guy. And so I continue this fic cause it's my way of an Assasination Day, knawhatmsayin? (yeah, I went there, cause I'm a proud black motherfucker who ain't afraid to talk on paper.) It's funny, it started out as a war between me and my friend and eventually turned into my own series. The filler episodes airing in America right now? Grating but at least they're stupidly amusing. Since my first attempt to co-author with my friend sharinganrivers didn't really work out, we decided to not try and mix our styles of humor. We can both write some hilarious stuff, but it's like pulling teeth for me to get an idea whereas he's more naturally random. That said, I cannot stress enough that I need reviews for this, not to fuel my ego like a few of my endeavors, but for feedback on whether you all find me funny or not. Enjoy the fic.

_"Bear witness on the way we stay cuttin 'em down _

_In two-thousand-eight, shuttin 'em down _

_Have you sippin on it 'til you start suckin it down _

_I hope you know that we ain't FUCKIN around"_

_Busta Rhymes, (Shut Em' Down 2008)_

_Assault Of The Hyuga: Assasination Day_

_Act II: The Funeral (Shut Em' Down)_

Making their way out of the Leaf Village (or Konohagakure no Sato for you Jap dub fanatics), the beautiful and slightly feminine Jody King's fingers constantly crept towards his .357 Raging Bull revolver and reluctantly retracting as he walked alongside Itachi Uchiha.

"..." Itachi kept turning his head every now and then to glance at Jody before looking away.

"...grrrr..." Needless to say, it was very annoying.

After about five minutes, the white-suited boy halted the two of them, fed up.

He turned around to face Itachi, "Come the fuck on man! It's bad enough we gotta intro the fic together, but honestly, do you really need to keep checking me out? It'd be different if the author's friend didn't keep playin' Ultimate Ninja like a bitch and using that fuckin' terrorist jutsu, but it's not! I hate you as does the author (we are the same person anyway), so no! We will not fuck, I will not let you unbutton my shirt, or use the Tsukyomi to mind rape me so just step the fuck off!"

"Hm." Itachi began to chuckle lightly "Quite the OC aren't you? You won't fuck but you'll open up the chapter with me...I find that rather odd."

Jody turned in disgust, "Just open the fic you pretty motherfucker."

"Hmm...alright... Good day/night/twilight to all, this is Act II of Assault of the Hyuga: Assasination Day. I'm Itachi Uchiha, the last person you'd think would open this fanfiction, and ahead of me (trying to tuck his hardened Jody King Thing into the waistband of his pants) is Jody King, vitctim of hatred and sexual tension, how are you doing Jody?"

Quickly removing his hand from his pants, Jody tried to put on a smile as per usual "About to come Itachi! But enough about my schlong problem, to the audience..what's up y'all? We are on our way to the plot device of the intro half of this fic-"

"What's that Jody?"

"Glad you asked (you terrorist motherfucker)," the boy added under his breath "we, are on our way the wormhole that will bring us to the next spot that we will host at. This means a totally original plot with no pop culture refrences whatsoever."

* * *

"Achoo!"

"You okay Peter?"

"Yeah, but Lois, do you know what a fanfiction is?"

"...no..."

"Ah, okay...hey Family Guy is coming on in a few minutes!"

* * *

"Um...okay, viewers! I'm just gonna need you to pretend like that shit didn't just happen! Now, as I was saying, Hanabi and Hinata are at our second hosting site, and-

_RING! RING!_

He reached into his pocket and flipped open a cellphone.

"Aiyo...What? What the fuck? The 20th?" he started to tear up, "Fuck...fuck, fuck, fuck!... A'ight, we'll be there on the automatic, thanks. Yeah, yeah, mad love, peace."

Jody closed up the cell and turned to Itachi with a very downcast look, and it took him all the strength in the world to say his next three words.

"Toonami is dead."

(a week later)

Hanabi shifted uncomfortably in her seat as she watched her cousin and sister weep openly over the platinum casket in which the robot TOM lie. Last week's original airing of Assasination Day was Friday, October 3rd, 2008 was canceled, and Jody was out of contact for a while. Then, she had gotten wind of the passing of Toonami from Jody's friend Adrian Alister and she couldn't absorb it. But seeing her favorite dynasty go down like that hurt her very much. Now she was on the deck of TOM's ship, the Absoultion, and down the many rows of seats sat many respected Cartoon Network stars like Johnny Bravo, Courage, Blossom, Bubbles and Buttercup, and Scooby-Doo.

After a few more had came to pay their respects and cry a little more, Jody King took the podium in front of the display where SARA used to be activated from.

"Friends. Fam. Toonami faithfuls, we are gathered here today to mourn to loss of one of our brothers. For those that were down since '97 or anytime after, you know what we have lost in the past week. For those that remember, when Goku fought Cell, when Domoe Kashu performed Shining Finger, when over twenty Teen Titans fought off the Brotherhood Of Evil, when the Autobots obtained the Star Saber, when Superman cut loose on Darkseid for all of twenty seconds, when Team Satomi battled Team White Snow or the Immortal Grand PriX cup, or even when Kenshin drew his sword against Shishio Makoto. TOM and SARA held it down for anything, when you got home from school, during Saturaday night, or even when you wanted to go out on a Midnight Run. On Saturday of last week, Cartoon Network ordered the permanent shutdown of one of the greatest action blocks in the world, and the greatest part of the author's childhood, and possibly yours too."

Jody stepped off the stage and disappeared to the engine room.

Hanabi had enough, she ran up to the podium herself, as did Neji and Hinata.

Through the tears in her eyes she spoke, "Everything Jody King said times a thousand. But things are different now, this is only the start of the bullshit y'all. All the best things that I've grown up with are fucking up even worse! Rap got commercialized so much that (and word to mother I have nothing but love and respect for those who like rock cause I like it too), but it's been relegated to "pass it on" profile comments such as: "Ninety-two percent of teenagers have moved on to rap, if you're part of the eight percent who moved on to rock, copy and paste this in your profile." Then, you got the young people of today callin' dime a dozen bitches like Miley Cyrus havin the nerve to call themselves music artists, bullshit! Cartoon Network ruled (and not literally in an extreme sense) ruled my fuckin' childhood, not because of the pretty colors and the talking dogs, but because of the intrigue and the genius behind classics like Ed Edd n' Eddy, Courage the Cowardly Dog, Johnny Bravo, Foster's, and especially Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy! Now what? You muthafuckas could run fuckin Flapjack and Chowder for two hours straight, but you put the lid on the Kids Next Door? We of the Hyuga are now delclaring full-frontal war on Cartoon Network, and we will shut them down! And anyone who's got words for us, YOU WILL ENVY THOSE WHOM RESIDE IN HELL! Fuck the status quo! Fuck conforming! Fuck cool! Fuck this absentminded, song n' dance mentality we have allowed our greatest asset to fall prey to! We will avenge Toonami, and take back what those fuck faces at Cartoon Network have so thoughtlessly taken from us! See y'all next chapter, I'm Hanabi Hyuga, and this revolution will be televised!"

* * *

A/N: I got waaaaay too out there with my thoughts, but it is true. I hope that someone out there who reads this, takes this as more than just a stupid rant about by an angry black teen who loves cartoons a little too much for his own good. Get ready for the final act, in which there will be true Assasination. P-E-A-C-E to all, and R.I.P to Toonami.

Bang.


End file.
